does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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