God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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