dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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