Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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