flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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