ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You brought string cheese to the strip club
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
