there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
