i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
