We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
