At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
