he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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