Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
organizing the empties. That sober.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
