i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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