i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
