I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
