So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we're making bets on your personal life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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