he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well I just put wine in my tea
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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