he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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