dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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