grandma shit on top of the toilet
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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