you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
two words...techno handjob
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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