Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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