just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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