I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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