When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
