Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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