So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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