His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
