I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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