he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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