Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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