I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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