I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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