God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
