so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Still dying that you shit outside
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
