Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
