so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
