Im at strip club and am horny
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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