Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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