Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
