He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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