I met the friendliest cop last night
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
