You're my little dorito
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
