I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
