I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
