Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
