She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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