I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
