Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
