Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
